Tuesday, 5 December 2017
Life on life’s terms
I have been called brave and courageous on many occasions over recent months but I don’t consider myself to be either. Well perhaps not in the manner in which it has been meant at least.
I do the best I can to survive each day. To be honest about how I am feeling. To exercise, socialise, meditate. To try and be of use to others when I am able. Attempt not to allow this anger that rises in me to be distributed to those who do not deserve it. To hold on to hope even when I am unsure what hope there is other than the word itself.
The last few weeks have been particularly difficult. It started with the anniversary of our engagement, then 2 weeks later it was my birthday. My family, friends and Katie’s family and friends were all especially thoughtful but it cannot change the fact that she is not here. It is a fact, it is a fact that my heart and brain struggle to accept. I just want her back, that’s the truth, the real truth. It’s impossible, irrational and futile.
I accept that this is bizarrely normal for someone in my position. I know also that how I feel can and will change, that grief is complicated and multi faceted. It is not a slow and stable walk uphill it’s a bit more like a rollercoaster in the dark and someone else decides when your allowed to get off. It is life on life’s terms.
We will all face adversity in some form throughout our lives and we will endure. It is what we do and someday we will be wiser for it even if we’d prefer to remain ignorant!
I have come a long way in a short space of time and I am proud of where I am today considering all that has gone on in recent years. I have made more good decisions than bad and have trusted myself more than ever before. I also know instinctively what Katie would want for me and what she would expect of me and I use that gift to keep me on track because she would be proud of me too today however I may feel. That, more than anything, keeps me motivated to try and do the next right thing.
Love and hugs to all xxxx
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