Monday, 30 October 2017
Let’s go round again
I have spent the last couple of weeks wanting to write to you all. I keep opening up my little note book but nothing comes, nothing formulates in my mind despite so much going on in my world. Since my last blog I have completed a half iron man distance triathlon off the back of very little training(I wouldn’t advise this and won’t be rushing to do something so unprepared again!), I have spent a weekend riding in the Mallorca hills with some very good friends, I have finally started to catch up with people I have been promising to see for months and I have missed Katie more profoundly than even I imagined I would.
Although my day to day life seems to be more productive and my mood is a little lighter, my brain a little less befuddled there are moments where the realisation that she is gone have simply floored me.
I visualise Katie smiling and putting her arms around my neck when I get home from work like she always used to, I see her next to me at night when I brush my teeth, brushing hers too and bumping her hip against mine as she did on so many evenings as we got ready for bed. This time last year we were together in Miami and Key West, our last real holiday together where Katie was relatively well. I have spent every morning when I wake up remembering all those wonderful moments and memories from that trip trying to quantify how she was gone just 5 months later and how a whole year has passed. There are so many small, delightful and delicate moments that come to me randomly. They spear through me and open a new wound where I thought I may be healing.
I am not angered by these flashbacks nor do I wish them away it is simply the way things are and something I suspect will always happen. My grief is so deep because my love for her was endless. I am not trying to be soppy, I am merely being honest as that is exactly the point in writing these blogs. To share so that you may understand a little better or even identify and not feel quite so alone.
The title of Average White Bands most famous song let’s go round again is the title of this blog. The song was actually about getting back together with an ex it didn’t quite work out with but the chorus has been stuck in my mind on and off for weeks perhaps months.
“Let’s go round again, baby we’ll turn back the hands of time, let’s go round again, one more time”.
I don’t think I’m alone in wishing for this. Just one more time. One more conversation, one more kiss, one more hug, one more anything.
Perhaps one day but not yet.
Love and hugs to all
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