Sunday, 24 September 2017

Love and Gratitude


My heart was broken, my heart was broken
Sorrow Sorrow Sorrow Sorrow
My heart was broken, my heart was broken
You saw it,
You claimed it
You touched it,
You saved it
My tears are drying, my tears are drying
Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you
My tears are drying, my tears are drying
Your beauty and kindness
Made tears clear my blindness
While I'm worth my room on this earth
I will be with you
While the Chief, puts Sunshine On Leith
I'll thank him for his work
And your birth and my birth.

These are the lyrics to Sunshine on Leith by the proclaimers(vastly underrated imo). It's a song I listened to often particularly while walking the dogs after Katie was diagnosed. I don't think I ever played it to her or told her even though we shared everything. It was mine, my private ode to her. She already knew how I felt perhaps I didn't feel the need to play the proclaimers to her, she probably would've take the piss!!

It's a song that always made me cry, with sorrow but also with gratitude. Gratitude that I had met her, that I got to love her and that she loved me. That G-d, whoever he or she may be had put us on this earth and had allowed us such serendipity. The sorrow was because I knew what was coming, at some point I would have to accept that everything I had ever wanted would be taken away and there wasn't a dam thing I could do about it.

But who or what was responsible for her illness. Who would allow such a thing to happen to us or anyone else? What faith can a man have and why?

I have thought  about this question endlessly over the last week or so. It was the Jewish New Year this week and I would usually be found in  synagogue but this year I couldn't go, I didn't want to. If I cannot believe that G-d is merciful why should I ask for his forgiveness for my own transgressions? It's not anger i just don't understand. I'm sure the answers will reveal themselves in time and perhaps I will find my way back to faith in something greater.

In the meantime I will continue with what I am doing. Trying to be decent, honest and  reliable. Remembering and honouring Katie by continuing her work and her spirit. I guess through all of this I have found a little faith in myself, in my own ability to do the next right thing for myself and others. I have Katie to thank for that. Her love and the example she set to everyone has stayed with me, it's part of me. A light in the dark of the world. Perhaps that is ultimately where to find G-d, in love without judgement, without punishment, without rules. Merciful, impartial and free.

Love and hugs to all. Xxx


12 comments:

  1. You right such sense and beauty Dan. Always thinking of you and Katie in my heart xxx

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    1. Thanks Lara, appreciate all your support xx

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  2. Kol hakavod on all you're doing to honour your wife's life.

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  4. I relate to this. I too have lost my faith. I have been to 2 meetings since Katie transgressed to whatever amazing path she is to trudge next. I have stopped praying; I prayed everyday before that. I just can't understand why she isn't here? But that's selfish really isn't it? I mean by cutting myself off from G-d I have cut myself off from others and even I know we need human connection. Me and Katie always joked because we were both so shit at it! Every time I spoke to her on the phone, which wasn't often, I'd say I was really sorry I hadn't called, that I had thought of calling her every day but I just struggled with actually doing it. I struggle with talking to anyone on the phone, it wasn't just her. And we'd have a bit of a joke because she was exactly the same lol. She never once tried to make me feel bad, in fact she always had empathy which made me feel not so shitty about myself. She would point out we were just human and it's pretty normal. And that it was ok. It was ok.

    So, just reading today's instalment of your fabulous blog has gotten me thinking. I'm really being self piteous by not going to meetings and citing Katie's illness as the reason. It is true but is it justified? No, it's not really. Self pity is never justified. Particularly when Katie hardly ever sat in self pity. She could have easily. She chose not to.

    So, there it is, we have a choice. We can choose to be happy or sad, active or lazy, winners or losers, live or not live. Even when life was slipping fast through Katie's fingers she grabbed every moment she could. Even when she felt sick and tired she spoke for and fought for others. Reading that the treatment Katie received to prolong her life - privately - has been made available on the NHS to ALL with immediate effect this week made my heart swell with pride. Katie did that. Then she passed the baton to Daniel. And Daniel did it when she couldn't. She taught me a lot. She taught me to change the things that I can change. Stand up and be feisty. Insist on what's right and believe in your own feelings. Keep going till you can't no more. She taught me a lot and now Daniel is teaching me too.

    I need to go to meetings. I need to help myself and others. I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and I need to live life to the full.

    Sorry for the long post, it really just comes tumbling out once I start and it's therapeutic that I get to share my thoughts and memories of Katie in a place where people are interested in her at least.

    Lots of love to you Daniel. Keep doing what you are doing and be proud of yourself as Katie is xxx

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    1. Hey Lou, glad it's got you thinking and called to action. Xxx

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  5. Think yeah. I didn’t say anything about action?! Lol joking. I am definitely turning those thoughts into action. Thank you for sharing Daniel :) xxx

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  6. I can really relate to thid - her spirit is definitely continuing xxx

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  7. Really thanks for sharing and give a interesting ideas. Wonderful ideas in the post..love ideas

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